Lately, my sweet little blargh, I've been feeling over my head in life.
These beautiful days... I can feel the wonder and mystery of being able to be here on Earth, now, at such a fascinating time of life for people, but most of the time, I feel just plain scared. There's too much here, too much that needs to be done and taken care of, especially for an absentminded girl like me. There's too many forms I haven't filled out and sent in, too much money I'm sposed to have and don't cause I had to pay for a big lofty apartment, and pickles and lettuce and apples for the fridge, and then all that gasoline to get from the big lofty apartment to the Co-Op where I work to pay for it all.
There's just too much here. Too many parking tickets, restrictions, guidelines, things I'm sposed to be keeping track of. My license is expired, the high school still hasn't sent my (hopefully!) future college my transcripts, I haven't paid the electricity bill yet or sent a cheque to the nice lady who let us use her security deposit when she turned over the apartment to us. I forgot to clean up last night after peace pasta and giggling with Celly, the compost is full again and I spilled a ginger soda all over the hardwood floor last night.
Christmas, beautiful, graceful Christmas is hovering near and cozy on the horizon... and I haven't even barely had the time to steep in it's presence. I have to go to the adorable Co-Op, have to get prints ordered for all the wonderful people I took peektures for, have to somehow figure out how to manage a checking account and then set up PayPal online so I can get paid for peektures, the list of tasks is endless... have to lie down on the floor and cry because this is all just too much! How do people survive nowadays? I barely understand it...
How is it that once you're an adult, the world stops being it's magical self? I think that maybe it's only because when you're "grown up" you're far too busy to quietly watch all of the joy of it unfold. When you do have some free time, you're not sure what to do with yourself because your heart is sick with worry, so whole starry evenings get lost in front of the TV with alcoholic beverages.
I just remember my sweet blargh... I remember there being so much more, before everyone decided to be cool and become strangled by their careers and obligations.
The days used to be so full... but full of overwhelming goodness. I tore out of bed at 7 in the morning when I was little cause I had play to make happen, dinosaur instant oatmeal to eat, and big important matters to attend to outside. If it was Christmastime... well... then there were snowmen to build, icicles to steal from the overhang of the garage, giant hills to be conquered in my big green sled, Christmas specials to watch, and cookies to pilfer from the kitchen. I remember long winter days full of nothing but Bing Crosby singing to me about wonderland, Barbie dolls in my lap in outrageous outfits and hot chocolate in a mug at my side.
When did it become uncool to enjoy life?!?
Why is it no longer socially acceptable to mess around like I did when I was little. Now if I'm an adult and outside, I have to be doing some sort of activity that's considered normal and productive like cross-country skiing or tracking partridges. I love chasing partridges but I just don't understand why I'm not supposed to be playing around anymore! Why can't people my age go swimming, sledding or fort-building without toting a chest of beers along with them? Why does everything I want to do in life have a price-tag of shame stapled to it?
I'm just not sure I understand... I know that having a fun place to stay with people you love is important and I'm more than willing to pay for one, more than willing to zoom up to the Co-Op and spend my days unwrapping boxes of yogurt and making people veggie wraps, more than willing even to pay for the fun of the Christmas lights strung around my bed that turn on when I plug them in (magic!). I'm happy to pay for what it takes to keep the lofty apartment warmer inside than it is outside, willing to vacuum and mop up all the sodas I'm inevitably going to bless the floor with, but I'm not willing to sacrifice the great happiness that God is showering each of us with every single second, that we just shrug off because we have so much stuff on our shoulders already that we can't even handle the extra weight that a little fairy dust requires.
My heart and Lulu being was made of adventure and breaking out of all these dumbo boxes people keep around themselves. People have been quite disappointed with me because I don't like to play by certain rules, but that's because rules are sometimes estupido! Freedom is important and it's precious and sacred and everyone should relish it with all their hearts. Here in A Merry Ca where we're so unbelievably fortunate to practically do whatever we want whenever we want to do it, we should be freaking out!
I can go stand on the sidewalk right now and sing wassails to every person who walks by me, but of course I won't because I'd get punched in the nose, because having fun and being weird isn't acceptable. People have got to be safe and normal and conform at all times or else they're "nerds" and this and that and God help us all if we don't all wear the latest fashions, drive a Mercedes and be miserable like everyone else.
Had it, I have! Life is about joy and all of that corny loving, caring, sharing goodness. Life isn't normal! This is all the most surreal thing that will ever happen to us, and I want to just go crazy in it. I want to take risks, possibly even dumb ones. Why shouldn't I? I didn't ask to be here, I didn't create myself out of moonlight and a little clay, my sweet God thought of me and thought I was nice enough to make!
Sweet cheez-whiz! I get to be here because I was an idea that God loved, so He made me happen. I'll be darned like a sock if I lay around with a cold one in my hand because I can't think of anything better to do, and life sucks because I don't live it and I expect to be entertained before I die, unfulfilled.
Here is what I, a very weird Lulu think; I think it's crazy what people have set up! This whole system is completely nuts and all these guidelines for who I'm supposed to be as a person, as a woman, are nuts, and I don't think I can bear to listen to them anymore.
I think I'm pretty decent the way I am, and I don't need to be 90 pounds with a disproportionate amount of voluptuousness, wearing whatever name people have slapped onto silly clothes and insisted that are awesome and need to be worn by everyone. I don't need to wear bikinis (they're practically impossible to have water fights in), I don't need to drink alcohol or smoke anything, I don't need to go to this school and get certain pieces of paper. I need to be alive, and to be Lulu, and above all, to be profoundly grateful for each and every moment that rushes by me, never to be seen again.
I'm tired of taking this all for granted, I'm tired of trying to be normal and safe. God has set the beautiful boundaries that protect my heart. Everything else is open pasture. If I get lost somewhere, He'll come and find me like He promises. I just don't want myself, or anyone else to be mad or sad at themselves anymore. I want for it to be okay to mess up, even big time, and to simply learn from it. No one needs to drag around their past and mourn every detail of the choices they made. For each situation there is the right thing to do and the wrong thing, and if you somehow managed to pick the right one every single time in your life, you would be Jesus.
But since you're not, everything is forgivable and forgettable. I don't care about what the standards are, I'm not going to carry a grudge or be bitter towards anyone. There are people who have made me sad in my lifetime, just as there are in everyones life ( I AM one of those people to someone else) but I'm not going to carry that sadness. In the end, it was mostly me who made me sad and I'm not even going to be mad at myself either. Love is the answer to each of my worries, to each situation that I've been put in where I said either the right or wrong thing, and I know that love will come pouring out of my story in the end.
I decided a long time ago when I was little, that I wouldn't hate anyone, especially for making me sad, but instead I would try to see things from where they stood and like them anyways and people have thought badly of me for it, but I'm tired of being expected to be angry and bitter like so many of my dear friends here.
I want to be happy. I want to run around and hoot and holler. I want to reject the things that society has asked me to embrace because "everyone's doing it". Just the fact that almost everyone I know struggles with alcohol at least occasionally makes me resolved to never really touch the stuff. If everyone's doing it then I want to find my own thing to do. I'll develop a grapefruit juice problem.
At the end my dear little blargh, after all this ranting and raving, what I mean by it is that the return to innocence that everyone's deepest heart is craving is found by simply returning to it instead of moping that it's lost (which is what I've been doing hehe).
Bring on the sunshine and guacamole and silly adventures!
Bring on all this overwhelming goodness, I want to greet it every single day with all the happiness I have!
These beautiful days... I can feel the wonder and mystery of being able to be here on Earth, now, at such a fascinating time of life for people, but most of the time, I feel just plain scared. There's too much here, too much that needs to be done and taken care of, especially for an absentminded girl like me. There's too many forms I haven't filled out and sent in, too much money I'm sposed to have and don't cause I had to pay for a big lofty apartment, and pickles and lettuce and apples for the fridge, and then all that gasoline to get from the big lofty apartment to the Co-Op where I work to pay for it all.
There's just too much here. Too many parking tickets, restrictions, guidelines, things I'm sposed to be keeping track of. My license is expired, the high school still hasn't sent my (hopefully!) future college my transcripts, I haven't paid the electricity bill yet or sent a cheque to the nice lady who let us use her security deposit when she turned over the apartment to us. I forgot to clean up last night after peace pasta and giggling with Celly, the compost is full again and I spilled a ginger soda all over the hardwood floor last night.
Christmas, beautiful, graceful Christmas is hovering near and cozy on the horizon... and I haven't even barely had the time to steep in it's presence. I have to go to the adorable Co-Op, have to get prints ordered for all the wonderful people I took peektures for, have to somehow figure out how to manage a checking account and then set up PayPal online so I can get paid for peektures, the list of tasks is endless... have to lie down on the floor and cry because this is all just too much! How do people survive nowadays? I barely understand it...
How is it that once you're an adult, the world stops being it's magical self? I think that maybe it's only because when you're "grown up" you're far too busy to quietly watch all of the joy of it unfold. When you do have some free time, you're not sure what to do with yourself because your heart is sick with worry, so whole starry evenings get lost in front of the TV with alcoholic beverages.
I just remember my sweet blargh... I remember there being so much more, before everyone decided to be cool and become strangled by their careers and obligations.
The days used to be so full... but full of overwhelming goodness. I tore out of bed at 7 in the morning when I was little cause I had play to make happen, dinosaur instant oatmeal to eat, and big important matters to attend to outside. If it was Christmastime... well... then there were snowmen to build, icicles to steal from the overhang of the garage, giant hills to be conquered in my big green sled, Christmas specials to watch, and cookies to pilfer from the kitchen. I remember long winter days full of nothing but Bing Crosby singing to me about wonderland, Barbie dolls in my lap in outrageous outfits and hot chocolate in a mug at my side.
When did it become uncool to enjoy life?!?
Why is it no longer socially acceptable to mess around like I did when I was little. Now if I'm an adult and outside, I have to be doing some sort of activity that's considered normal and productive like cross-country skiing or tracking partridges. I love chasing partridges but I just don't understand why I'm not supposed to be playing around anymore! Why can't people my age go swimming, sledding or fort-building without toting a chest of beers along with them? Why does everything I want to do in life have a price-tag of shame stapled to it?
I'm just not sure I understand... I know that having a fun place to stay with people you love is important and I'm more than willing to pay for one, more than willing to zoom up to the Co-Op and spend my days unwrapping boxes of yogurt and making people veggie wraps, more than willing even to pay for the fun of the Christmas lights strung around my bed that turn on when I plug them in (magic!). I'm happy to pay for what it takes to keep the lofty apartment warmer inside than it is outside, willing to vacuum and mop up all the sodas I'm inevitably going to bless the floor with, but I'm not willing to sacrifice the great happiness that God is showering each of us with every single second, that we just shrug off because we have so much stuff on our shoulders already that we can't even handle the extra weight that a little fairy dust requires.
My heart and Lulu being was made of adventure and breaking out of all these dumbo boxes people keep around themselves. People have been quite disappointed with me because I don't like to play by certain rules, but that's because rules are sometimes estupido! Freedom is important and it's precious and sacred and everyone should relish it with all their hearts. Here in A Merry Ca where we're so unbelievably fortunate to practically do whatever we want whenever we want to do it, we should be freaking out!
I can go stand on the sidewalk right now and sing wassails to every person who walks by me, but of course I won't because I'd get punched in the nose, because having fun and being weird isn't acceptable. People have got to be safe and normal and conform at all times or else they're "nerds" and this and that and God help us all if we don't all wear the latest fashions, drive a Mercedes and be miserable like everyone else.
Had it, I have! Life is about joy and all of that corny loving, caring, sharing goodness. Life isn't normal! This is all the most surreal thing that will ever happen to us, and I want to just go crazy in it. I want to take risks, possibly even dumb ones. Why shouldn't I? I didn't ask to be here, I didn't create myself out of moonlight and a little clay, my sweet God thought of me and thought I was nice enough to make!
Sweet cheez-whiz! I get to be here because I was an idea that God loved, so He made me happen. I'll be darned like a sock if I lay around with a cold one in my hand because I can't think of anything better to do, and life sucks because I don't live it and I expect to be entertained before I die, unfulfilled.
Here is what I, a very weird Lulu think; I think it's crazy what people have set up! This whole system is completely nuts and all these guidelines for who I'm supposed to be as a person, as a woman, are nuts, and I don't think I can bear to listen to them anymore.
I think I'm pretty decent the way I am, and I don't need to be 90 pounds with a disproportionate amount of voluptuousness, wearing whatever name people have slapped onto silly clothes and insisted that are awesome and need to be worn by everyone. I don't need to wear bikinis (they're practically impossible to have water fights in), I don't need to drink alcohol or smoke anything, I don't need to go to this school and get certain pieces of paper. I need to be alive, and to be Lulu, and above all, to be profoundly grateful for each and every moment that rushes by me, never to be seen again.
I'm tired of taking this all for granted, I'm tired of trying to be normal and safe. God has set the beautiful boundaries that protect my heart. Everything else is open pasture. If I get lost somewhere, He'll come and find me like He promises. I just don't want myself, or anyone else to be mad or sad at themselves anymore. I want for it to be okay to mess up, even big time, and to simply learn from it. No one needs to drag around their past and mourn every detail of the choices they made. For each situation there is the right thing to do and the wrong thing, and if you somehow managed to pick the right one every single time in your life, you would be Jesus.
But since you're not, everything is forgivable and forgettable. I don't care about what the standards are, I'm not going to carry a grudge or be bitter towards anyone. There are people who have made me sad in my lifetime, just as there are in everyones life ( I AM one of those people to someone else) but I'm not going to carry that sadness. In the end, it was mostly me who made me sad and I'm not even going to be mad at myself either. Love is the answer to each of my worries, to each situation that I've been put in where I said either the right or wrong thing, and I know that love will come pouring out of my story in the end.
I decided a long time ago when I was little, that I wouldn't hate anyone, especially for making me sad, but instead I would try to see things from where they stood and like them anyways and people have thought badly of me for it, but I'm tired of being expected to be angry and bitter like so many of my dear friends here.
I want to be happy. I want to run around and hoot and holler. I want to reject the things that society has asked me to embrace because "everyone's doing it". Just the fact that almost everyone I know struggles with alcohol at least occasionally makes me resolved to never really touch the stuff. If everyone's doing it then I want to find my own thing to do. I'll develop a grapefruit juice problem.
At the end my dear little blargh, after all this ranting and raving, what I mean by it is that the return to innocence that everyone's deepest heart is craving is found by simply returning to it instead of moping that it's lost (which is what I've been doing hehe).
Bring on the sunshine and guacamole and silly adventures!
Bring on all this overwhelming goodness, I want to greet it every single day with all the happiness I have!
Lulu you never cease to amaze me not since the moment I found your Flickr. I tell my love Colby everyday that I am even more in love with "Lulu" haha.. But really reading this confirmed just what Holy Spirit what telling me about you. You are a gem a beauty and something special and you are right, do not conform to this world you are not of it. You are sparkly and shiny and sometimes you'll get yelled at because of this but this is only because you scare the world and that's okay, you just being you will heal it too.
ReplyDelete<3 with all my love your newest sister. (I claimed you! (: