Cuidado

I don't know what it is to be a child
Tucked into the soft covers, tired mind kissed quiet
Favorite books piled high into my favorite arms
Wrapped safe in love hands, lifted high up into the air
Pulled close blissful with laughter
I don't know what it is to be made my favorite foods
Or held
Don't know what it is to look in eyes filled with pride and joy
Don't know what it is to be Daddy's girl
Or Mommy's little angel
I know what it is to run, and run, and run
Breath burning in my throat
Tree branches scraping salted cheekbones
Screams branded deep into my memory
I know what it is to hide under the covers at night
Suffocating but safe
To wake up already afraid
Plotting the getaway
Which door would get me free the fastest?
I don't know what it is to hold hands while we cross the street
Don't remember ever being picked up
Or falling asleep between two peaceful beloveds
For whom I am a prayer answered
I don't know what it is to be honest
The truth is only punished, so I will be a liar
Hiding has a chance of not being found out
I don't know what it is to stand close
Without smoldering, without tears
Without broken windows underfoot
I don't know what it means to be friends
Except for that I fill you until you're happy and I'm empty
And it takes forever
Don't know what it means to be beloved
Except for that I keep your mouth smiling
Or get sent away
I don't know how to do this
All of this
All of these fragile connections
Plagued with doubts
Too much, too close, pressing on sore wounds
All I know is to run, and run, and run
Avoid the eyes
Tell the untruths white
Bury myself in headphones, and Earth and sorrow
And when you find me, smile and nod, smile and nod
So teach me something different
Be father and brother, husband and playmate
Unlock all the gates
Start me over again
Read me bedtime stories
Brush my hair
Hold my hand, but gently
Don't pull
Pile me into the sheets and the covers
Love me, but don't hold on tight with purple knuckles
I swear that somewhere in me
I know how to stay
I'll sit in your lap
I'll look in your eyes
I'll know