Cuidado

I don't know what it is to be a child
Tucked into the soft covers, tired mind kissed quiet
Favorite books piled high into my favorite arms
Wrapped safe in love hands, lifted high up into the air
Pulled close blissful with laughter
I don't know what it is to be made my favorite foods
Or held
Don't know what it is to look in eyes filled with pride and joy
Don't know what it is to be Daddy's girl
Or Mommy's little angel
I know what it is to run, and run, and run
Breath burning in my throat
Tree branches scraping salted cheekbones
Screams branded deep into my memory
I know what it is to hide under the covers at night
Suffocating but safe
To wake up already afraid
Plotting the getaway
Which door would get me free the fastest?
I don't know what it is to hold hands while we cross the street
Don't remember ever being picked up
Or falling asleep between two peaceful beloveds
For whom I am a prayer answered
I don't know what it is to be honest
The truth is only punished, so I will be a liar
Hiding has a chance of not being found out
I don't know what it is to stand close
Without smoldering, without tears
Without broken windows underfoot
I don't know what it means to be friends
Except for that I fill you until you're happy and I'm empty
And it takes forever
Don't know what it means to be beloved
Except for that I keep your mouth smiling
Or get sent away
I don't know how to do this
All of this
All of these fragile connections
Plagued with doubts
Too much, too close, pressing on sore wounds
All I know is to run, and run, and run
Avoid the eyes
Tell the untruths white
Bury myself in headphones, and Earth and sorrow
And when you find me, smile and nod, smile and nod
So teach me something different
Be father and brother, husband and playmate
Unlock all the gates
Start me over again
Read me bedtime stories
Brush my hair
Hold my hand, but gently
Don't pull
Pile me into the sheets and the covers
Love me, but don't hold on tight with purple knuckles
I swear that somewhere in me
I know how to stay
I'll sit in your lap
I'll look in your eyes
I'll know

Into Mazey

We were finger-painting contours
Speaking in our oldest language
The one that bears no words- too rude
The one that whispers and asks
Receiving only the answer it discovers on it's own
So my voice was lost
There was no way to reveal it
The marks ugly, interfering
Your caress traced over scars left deep in hidden flesh
Paleontologist
How do I tell you
I want to lie in the Earth forever, and never be brought to light
You are the last grand adventurer
Searching for the cause of death in the bareness of my being
Don't look at what the wounds left for you
You can't find my soul on my skin
In the crook of my neck
The waxing full of my mouth
Don't do what others have done
Destroy me with what looks like love
I'm too easily tempted by that lure
Every fisherman on the Adriatic
Had only to loop their heart on a line and dangle it over the sea
To watch the last, weeping siren come to have a look
And take the bait
Though I remember the burn of the hook
The tug that dragged me from the depths
I don't breathe air
Don't give yours to me
It was only gentility that ever ignited my veins
The innocence of your eyes, sea green like home
I have never blamed any man
I know what I do
To reject an affection...
I would rather die starving for oxygen
Immolating in the salt from hands and naiveté
Than empty
And alone
But I've waited long on the rocks for the one
Who would simply come swimming with me
Who would ask for nothing
But one sun-drenched kiss
And a dawn in the blue where the sun rises from within the waves
With me
I can give you nothing
If I'm a possession
But my heart is too mangled and needy
To beg you not to gather me to you
I've only prayed that somehow you would guess
Not to hold with the fingers and the arms
But with the electricity
Streaming between us in music waves
Touch me with the hand
And there are only broken pathways
That as you run their course
Bring more saltwater
I remember when they've been run once before
And the pain that flooded every sense even as I surrendered without a fight
So touch me with the softness of your soul
Come into the deep water
Forget yourself in the ocean
Drown in my love