You believed that only to see me was to know me
That in the crook of my neck, somewhere at the corner of my mouth
Was the doorknob, was the threshold
Was an easy answer
A smile worn so many times it was a second skin
I see what you think behind your tired eyes
That maybe I could have been a sweet salvation
That maybe I could be the reprieve that fell just before the gun rose
A hallelujah that tore from your throat in the final hour
But I am my own
No more a lifeboat, no more an innocence you lost
Than I am a make-believe
A pretend girl
Who speaks the gentlest word
Who bears all things with soft soft patience
I have razor blade corners
I have dark molten pools
And bent at the waist willow arms
I know you
And your empty easy jokes and your honeysuckle nothings
Your pleas for attention
I hear what you say behind what you're saying
And I answer back lilting and false naive
I can play the game you invented
Where I am only a ghost
Only a light in the dark
Only the little stranger you once told yourself you knew

Ah little stubborn-headed starsnatcher
Drinker from the deep
I see you
A bluebird in a glass house
A lark in a crystal cage
You might have been a watercolor painting
Bleeding colour
If I could get you to sit still for it
If I could get you to sit still for anything at all
But your legs are too long
You're always running
You're laughing over one shoulder
And crying into the other
Breathing hard the fern-swathed path
Pressing your hands into the sky

Rain on the River Valley

There is a downy silvered fog at the window early this morning
I find it wrapped around the meadow below
Here a raindrop, there a half-frozen toad on the slate steps
Only a few weeks ago I would lie still in the summer's ivy
With bumblebee's drawing too close and then humming away indignant at their mistake
I am not quite their wildflower
But if I were
I would lilt and unfurl in the heavy misted morning
Dripping the sky
Laughing all in color against the gray
Eyes wide open

Psalm 327

I thought that I wanted the forest
The leaves turning white-gold
The moss on the carpet
The trail that winds around the maples, soft
I thought that I wanted the winter
The first snowfall, December mornings
The cardinal in his jacket red
And I thought that I wanted the spring
I thought that I wanted a particular kiss
Plucked from old memories
Sweetened by time
I thought that I wanted the ocean
The plover, the sunbather
The couple picnicking near the surf
I thought that I wanted my youth
I thought that I wanted an instant pleasure
Taste of chocolate, the rasping singers voice
Long days dozing under the covers, playing at hide and seek with my life
I thought that I wanted so many things
But I was wrong
I thought that I wanted a holiday with family and friends
Tinsel and candles and starry, stark nights
I thought that I wanted my mothers voice on Christmas morning
Or a Valentine, a rose, a warmth
I thought that I wanted to change everything
Of myself, of my days, of my heart
To turn back time gently and wake from this disappointed dream
To relive all those silver moments again and again
And never advance from them
I thought that I wanted what I thought had been stolen
I thought I wanted to tear out these pages, burn the book
And try all over again, just once more
And this time I would get it right
I thought that I wanted so many things
But I was wrong
There was someone braver than me, and kinder too
Who waited patient while I tried to force my daydreams to materialize
Who understood that it wasn't the trees or the moss
It wasn't an irretrievable moment, or a laugh or a certain hand
Or light, or day, or me
That I wanted
It was
Him

Both Our Hearts are Light, Tonight

This is a potent cup
And it does not pass from us
But we cup it in our hands
We become drunk with pain, with love
But above all, with willpower
That all this shall not have been in vain
That though the tunnel has been dark
There has always been a light, at the end of it
We step into it, taller
Stronger than at the start
Battle-weary yet glad for it all
In spite of the wars we saw, the disease we fought
The emptiness which would not fill for anything,
Not with power, money, family or fame
But which we find in the end we found was a vast hole
That didn't need filling in
But for us to climb up out of it
Into the wholeness of the daylight
We see tenderly,
Our own attempts to bury ourselves alive
With warm, soft earth
With our ruinous desires
We think ourselves so brave
Brave enough even to murder our dearest friend
Us
Yes, it has all been disaster
When I go walking in the garden to whisper secrets to the flowers
There are thorns and snakes and the very little bees which
Grow the flowers
Find me offensive
And harm me
We reach out to do good wherever we can
And people we deeply adore
Tear our limbs from us
To give all that you have, is yet
Never enough
One is never safe
No decision ever spared one of us a life free of sadness
Even our beloved God's favorites
Grew old and died
With calloused feet and thirsty lips
Only hope and a gentle kiss to leave with
The best of us falter
And fail
We fight, and are petrified of the smallest things
We hide in the cities where the stars won't remind us how small we are
Each of us like a grain of sand
Which has never even seen the ocean yet
In spite of all this
I am as happy as ever
Though I suffer, oh yes
And all those I love more dearly than myself too
Every day I wake up, sleepy and tousled
To find life happening still
Flowers blooming, autumn bursting to life
Rain falling soft on the windowpane
Or sunlight calling me outdoors
Somedays I crumple and cry foul
The ways of the Maker and the Made
Oh, but I know better
In my soul of souls
Everything that burns in my sight
Is reborn more powerful, more lovely
From the healthy ash
Everyone to whom I have said goodbye
My irrepressible, beautiful God
Has said hello to, in the same moment
And both our hearts are light
Tonight

Wishes

Let's all be children today
And I'll be me
And you be you
I'll wear feathers
You bring your bracelet
We'll go wherever the warm wind
Takes us
And I'll be me
And you be you
Let's all be children today

A Few Little Thoughts a la Lulu

Well now,
I don't know always know about holidays
It doesn't always feel right
That some children get brunch in bed and kisses with Mama
And some of us wander around the springtime, alone
And that some children get cards with hearts and roses
And some of us wander around the snow fields, alone
It doesn't always feel right
That fireworks fall like stars in the air over people who aren't free, like me
I get to celebrate how independent I am, red, white and blue
But all the people my country bent to it's will don't ask God to bless America
But the thing of it is, is that good things can sometimes take a wrong turn
My beautiful continent tries hard, I know it
And it's brimming with good men and women
Mama's don't always brush hair and look forward to cuddles
But Heaven knows, they try too
It doesn't matter really, what exact date it was when the sky turned to angels
With all the shepherds leaving their sheep
Because something bigger than maintaining order was unfolding in Bethlehem
It really only matters that we're here together, celebrating
Giving roses all the darn time
To everyone we can think of
It matters that those darling Mama's get breakfast and tulips today
They should have them every morning of their whole lives
We should all of us, take care of each other
Write letters, eat ice cream in some shady spot together
We should all of us roar as a crowd on January First
"We've done it again!"
They say no man is an island and it's true
All of us are Archipelago
We need a little ocean room, for sailing and whale watching
And we need each other on the horizon
Soul waves lapping at each other
Messages in bottles traveling only a few yards and on into memory
We need to hold each other closer
God knows, it's easy to forget
That everything lasts for only a breath
Before a new one is drawn
Mama's, beloveds, countries
Shift and shape before our eyes
Sometimes they vanish
We stand blinking for a long time
Saying
"Where did they go? They were there just a minute ago, I swear"
And they were
And we didn't always notice
There's too many of us to lavish each other properly
As we'd like to
Too many minutes in a day to remember to say grace over all of them
But don't miss being here now, if you can
People won't understand what you're doing
Tackling your poor Mama
Kissing her hands off
But do it sometimes!
Whenever you can remember
Oh, every day is Holy
Whether or not we mark it
So let's!
Send presents and make pancakes and write mushy love notes
We still have paradise
Let's switch that survival instinct off, even for just an afternoon
And do something wild, even if the whole world watches
And shakes their heads a bit
Envy does things like that, because it burns with longing for freedom
Be free, because you are!
Give love, because you have it
Go looking for God in the foothills
Because you'll find Him
Treasure the flowers
Because they fade, they die
But come back next year
Bigger, brighter than ever